So where did Valentine’s Day come from anyway?

Surprisingly nobody knows for sure. There is no singular St. Valentine, though there are plenty of suspects. 

The Catholic Church recognizes at least three St. Valentines. 

According to legend, one was a priest in the 3rd century in Rome when Emperor Claudius II banned marriage for soldiers because he thought families were for wimps and Mama’s boys. This Valentine performed secret weddings for young lovers until he was put to death, the poor bastard. 

Another Valentine may have been killed for helping Christians escape torture by the Romans who, like fandom fantasy novelist Neil Gaiman, failed to establish a safe word. 

A third Valentine was imprisoned and sent the first Valentine (supposedly signed “From your Valentine”) to the daughter of his jailor who visited him in prison. Whether or not it said, “I choo choo choose you,” with a picture of Thomas the Train, historians can only wonder.

Another theory is that Valentine’s Day is the Christianization of the pagan celebration of Lupercalia, held on February 15.  Lupercalia was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture. Roman priests would gather at a cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were thought to have been cared for by a she-wolf. (And you thought the Old Testament was looney.) 

The priests sacrificed a goat for fertility and a dog for purification, which would be stripped into bloody hides. These hides would be slapped against the passing bodies of the women of the village and the crops in the field. Women welcomed these bloody hide slaps because it was believed to increase their fertility. Young lovers would throw their names into a lottery and pair off in a random booty lottery.

Either way, St. Valentine, the Catholic Church, and Roman emperors have a decidedly S&M theme throughout history that never made it into the Hallmark greeting cards of today. It seems like a tragically missed opportunity.

So what does all that bouquet of historical trivia mean to you and your lover glistening in baby oil on an Adam and Eve sex swing this Valentine’s Day?

Like St. Valentine and the Catholic Church, you’ll just have to choose your own adventure.

Make Valentine’s Day your own, God damn it.

Done right, Valentine’s Day is the perfect way to savor Hygge and sanctify the coziness of winter. It’s good for your soul and great for your love (and sex) life.

Hate flaunting your love in public? Avoid crowds like gonorrhea and order in. Skip the dinner reservation and packed wait-lists and stay home. Spread a blanket on the living room floor for an impromptu picnic in front of a candle-lit record player, no clothes required.

Don’t like paying homage to Hallmark? Boycott Valentine’s Day cards and opt for edible paints instead.

Single? Celebrate with friends. Contrary to popular sentiment, Valentine’s Day is actually about celebrating all kinds of love, not just the kind that stains sheets. Platonic love is just as important – and it’s good for the soul. Be grateful for friends and celebrate life, love, and chocolate.

The point is to feel good. Make a nice meal or order Indian. Pop open some wine and chocolate so dark it makes your dreams stoned and gorgeous.

And don’t forget the herbs – Cannabis and everything in between. Smoking herbs can be a great way to unwind, rekindle, and reconnect. They can help rev up the sexiness and romance – and they’re great for bringing people together. Ceremonially partaking of herbs can help set the mood, shake off the winter blues, and imbibe the soul.

You deserve love, and if you don’t have it, you’ll just have to make it, even if it’s just a cat in your lap, a cheap glass of wine, and an herbal spliff of the good stuff.

Get yours this Feb. 14 and get it on.